Breathless

A great time is starting tonight over at dVerse, where Raivenne has challenged us to write a poem in Than Bauk form. Never tried this before, but it was good to stretch out a bit–I enjoy playing around with words and sounds. Hope I came close to adhering to the formal rules. (For some reason, this one turned out far darker than I intended.)

Breathless
I should have gone
when day dawned, you
withdrawn inside
yourself. You’d sighed,
a gulf wide, sheer
divide between
us. Still between
sheets, crime scene, blue-
light sheen, breathless.
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36 thoughts on “Breathless

  1. nice…i like how you dont let the stanzas constrain you, overlapping into the next….dang on that last stanza too…that was quite a scary turn to the blue lights (body fluid) breathless has an all together different meaning…

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  2. A nice piece, with sharp shifts from sensual to lethal; like Brian, I dig your run on changes from stanza to stanza; like me you stayed with the basic 4-3-2 climbing rhyme scheme; enjoyed it a lot.

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  3. Thank you, Gay. For me, the challenge with form is to make it transparent, so that the words are in the forefront and the form in the background. I'm so happy you found some liquidity in this!

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  4. I think “Breathless” is a perfect title. I know you said dark, but I don't know…it leaves me feeling a bit sad–although maybe sad and dark could be considered siblings.

    really nice job with the form.

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  5. Ouch, surprising ending. Superbly done – well use of enjambment — I didn't even think of using it in this form.

    Excellent, as always.

    Since you enjoyed my method of generating my form, I thought you'd like to know that I have up-loaded the file and others can use it now if they'd like. Click here to see it!

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  6. Sabio, thanks–I tend to push forms to their limits, for some reason. Thanks for sending along the file–it will be useful for the next than bauk I attempt!

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